Candy Kingdom Capers
by MrBright01
Summary: Tales from the Candy Kingdom, revolving around B and C list characters on a normal day, endeavoring to match the brevity and tone of the show. Each chapter will involve a diffrenet character or characters.
1. Orders are Orders

_**First attempt at actually posting one of my random ideas. This story will be almost entirely B and C list characters, acting in a manner I suspect they are written in. The usual disclaimer: I own none of these characters. All characters are officially part of the series. No OC's. No AU's. FAN-fiction. Any relation to events, real or fictional, is entirely coincidental.**_

_**Each chapter will be an entire and self contained story, as the goal is to write in an episodic manner, much like the show itself. If you wish to write a review with idea, opinions, or the like, please refer to the chapter/story/characters in question.  
**_

* * *

"Are you quite sure I cannot accompany you, Your Highness?"

Princess Bubblegum rolled here eyes and looked down at the indomitable Peppermint Butler. "I told you, this is a secret mission. Seeeee Cretttt. Nobody can know about this, not even you. I shouldn't even be telling you I am going on a secret mission."

Peppermint Butler's eyes turns just the slightest. He was looking at the suitcase she was packing on her bed. A select range of scientific equipment, suitable for field work. A couple of her lighter laser cannons and other weapons. The ever present lab coat. Toothbrush. Soap. Suntan Lotion. Bathing suit.

Peppermint Butler's eyes returned to the princess, who had turned back to her packing. "Of course, Your Majesty." _Suntan Lotion,_ he thought, careful to keep his face immobile. _Absolutely vital to any secret mission_. "While you are on this secret mission," he asked, his voice as carefully controlled as a proper butler's voice should be, "What shall I be doing?"

"I don't know, geez. Clean the castle. Have my cloths dry cleaned. Mop up that accident in lab four we had the other day. You know, butler stuff."

At that moment, their was a dull thud at the door. As PB the Princess and PB the Butler stared at each other, the thud repeated itself. It had a slightly... moist sound, as if someone was slapping a large amount of frosting on the door, which was exactly what was happening.

The Princess rolled her eyes to the ceiling, then said, "Pee But, let Cinnamon Bun in," her voice weary. What shoulders Peppermint Butler had slumped, the he drew himself up like the proud butler he was, marched over to the door, and opened it just in time for Cinnamon Bun to fall head first into the room.

"I forgot how the doorknob worked," said the rotund bun as he slowly climbed to his feet. The Princess's face cracked just a little, the tiniest of winces in reaction to her dullest subject making what might be the dullest comment he would make today. Peppermint Butler's face did not move an inch, even as mind screamed out in frustration. "How can I help you," asked the princess. She waved her hand at her now packed suitcase."Only, I'm kind of in a hurry, so if this could be quick?" Her eyes narrowed as she tried to remain courtly. "Please."

"Ummm... Why was I here?"

The Princess's left eye twitched slightly. Peppermint Butler walked over to her side and discreetly nudged the weapon filled suitcase away from the Princess.

"Uhhhh... Oh yeah! I can't find my wallet!"

Princess Bubblegum, Ruler of the Candy Kingdom, greatest mind in all of Ooo, blinked at Cinnamon Bun. Peppermint Butler, famed for his skills and knowledge in all things Butlerish, blinked at Cinnamon bun. Cinnamon Bun, unsure what to do even at the best of times, did what he did best, and tried to fit in. He blinked back.

Several traded blinks later, Princess Bubblegum smiled with all the grace of a beloved princess who hardly ever tortured people in her dungeons, then turned to her side and said, "Peppermint Butler?"

Her butler allowed himself a tiny little sigh, barely audible, before he turned to face his monarch. "Yes, Princess," he asked, and felt a tiny bit of pride that his voice did not waver.

"Help Cinnamon Bun find his wallet," she said, all good cheer. She turned to her window and screeched, summoning her falcon mount to hover outside. Ignoring Peppermint Butler's stuttered objections and Cinnamon Bun's dance of joy, she grabbed her suitcase and leapt out the window. The last thing Peppermint Butler heard as she soared off into the sunset was her shouting, with all the cheer of a rat escaping a sinking ship, "And that's an order!"

Peppermint Butler stood at the window, watching her receding figure. He felt that perhaps he should have a quiet moment to reflect on how he loved his job, possibly the best job he's ever held. Yes, he thought, it would be good to have those thought, if it was not for the thick, syrupy wheezing of the village idiot behind him. Still, and order was an order, and the Peppermint family had been serving Ooo royalty for ages.

Peppermint Butler turned to look at Cinnamon Bun. "Mr Bun," he said, clasping his hands behind his back, "is your wallet in your pants pocket?"

Cinnamon Bun wheezed quietly for a moment, apparently thinking. After what seemed an eternity, he answered, "I don't think so."

"Humor me, please," said the butler.

Cinnamon bun stood there, blinking stupidly.

The butler sighed. "Meaning, can you check your pants pocket, please."

Cinnamon Bun nodded and started patting his legs with a squelching noise. He checked his thighs, then his hips, then with a final and far too loud squelch, he checked his backside. He froze, blinking, then wheezed again. "I don't have any pants."

Peppermint Butler resisted the urge to palm his face. "Where do you last remember seeing it," he asked, his voice weary. Cinnamon bun hummed and hawed and wheezed, then his eyes sparkled. "I remember! I last saw it when I paid for lunch!"

"I suggest you check there then." Peppermint Butler shooed the giant pastry towards the door. "Go on, go check."

"But I don't know where I ate lunch at."

At this point, Peppermint Butler did palm his face. But orders are orders.

* * *

The problem should be easy, thought Peppermint Butler as he walked along the streets of the Candy Kingdom. Every place to eat has a different look, a different menu, a different staff. In theory, all they needed was a description of the staff, or the front of the store, or what he ate, and they would find the right place. A simple enough task, and like all simple tasks, the moment they hit Cinnamon Bun, they became far more complex then they needed to be.

Peppermint Butler stopped at the front of a diner and stood at attention. "Is this where you ate your lunch," he asks his confectionery companion. Cinnamon Bun started at the storefront for a while, mouth open, then shook his head. "No," he said, "it was more pink. Maybe."

Peppermint Butler sighed, allowing himself a small frown. The Candy Kingdom is a prosperous place. Under the rule of Princess Bubblegum, the economy was strong, and most of the candy people made good money. With that much income and few needs to attend to, luxuries like having meals cooked for them was common for the people of the land. Which meant there were a lot of places that Cinnamon bun could have eaten lunch.

_Fifty seven on the tax registry,_ thought Peppermint Butler glumly, _not counting any mom and pop place that might be too small to tax as a business._ They had visited twenty of the known shops already, and at each one, all Cinnamon Bun could come up with was simple, basic terms to describe how it was wrong. _As of right now_, thought the butler, _I know we are looking for a place that is somewhat red that serves candy._

He looked at Cinnamon Bun as they walked to the next place on the list. For a moment, he suspected that Cinnamon Bun was doing this on purpose, possibly our of boredom or mischief. He was no stranger to such things himself, but he had never seen anyone so good at acting so stupid. He watched as Cinnamon Bun, chasing a butterfly, walked strait into a fountain, and immediately reconsidered._ Nobody can act that good._

Across the street, Peppermint Butler saw a Banana Guard. He walked over and said, "Excuse me, Banana Guard, but did you happen to see Cinnamon Bun today?"

The guard nodded.

"Delightful. Perhaps you could tell me where you saw him going, and what you saw him doing?"

The guard nodded again. "I saw him fall in a fountain," he said, deadpan.

Peppermint Butler was not amused. Something in his frustration must have gotten through to the guard, because he pointed down a side street and said, "Earlier, I saw him talking to Mr Cupcake on Taffy Lane. He had flakes of something on his face then."

The butler thanked the guard and turned to retrieve Cinnamon Bun, but Cinnamon Bun was gone.

Peppermint Butler took a deep, calming breath, and tried to think, or possibly not think, like Cinnamon Bun. _I am big, I am stupid, and I am soaking wet. Where do I go to get dry?_

The answer, after hours of searching, did not turn out to be the general store, where one could buy towels. Nor was it Wrapper, Frosting, and Beyond, where more expensive towels could be found. Cinnamon bun was not at the hairdresser. After some more not-quite-thought, Peppermint Butler checked the royal stables, where their was plenty of dry hay, and then he checked the royal hair dryer. Cinnamon Bun could not be found.

With the Princess's last command ringing in his head, Peppermint Butler was becoming desperate to get this task done and over with. He needed to know where Cinnamon Bun had wandered off to, and none of the candy people seemed to know where he went. Peppermint Butler needed information, and he knew of only one being that had infinite knowledge _and_ owed him.

He gathered up the things he would need for the ritual and decided to bring them to the dungeon. Princess Bubblegum so rarely used the dungeon that Peppermint Butler figured he would have all the privacy he needed. He opened the door to the cells to see Cinnamon Bun standing there, in the middle of a large puddle.

"Hello," said Cinnamon Bun with a wave of his hand.

Peppermint Butler dropped all of his equipment and gaped . "Why..." he stammered, his left eye twitching, "why are you standing _here_, in the _dungeon_? I've been looking for you for... for_ hours_!"

Cinnamon Bun shuffled his feet. "When I make a mess, Princess Bubblegum sends me down here to dry off. She says sometimes it's the only way she ever gets work done." Cinnamon Bun stopped shuffling and stood there, slowly dripping, wheezing and snorting. Peppermint Butler slumped, the straitened up. He still had a job to do. "Come," he said, bending over to rummage in the things he carried, "I know of a way to find your wallet that doesn't involve you thinking. Sound good?"

Cinnamon Bun cheered.

* * *

"I don't think this is a good idea," said Cinnamon Bun from the floor.

Peppermint Butler looked over his work once more. The lines and words of the dark summoning circle were decked out in bright red. Five candles burned equally around the circle, casting the dungeon in flickering light and shadows. In the center of the circle, Cinnamon Bun was laying. He hefted the big ritual knife and poked himself in the chest a couple times. "It's not real. Relax. I just need it for symbolic reasons."

Cinnamon Bun said "Ooooooh," and laid his head back down.

Peppermint Butler raised the knife, and with a scream that echoed through out the dungeon, he stabbed the knife into Cinnamon Bun. The blade retracted into the handle with a audible click, and Cinnamon Bun giggled. Peppermint Butler's eyes narrowed, and he started stabbing repeatedly, accompanied by energetic clicks and his "victim's" laughs.

Then a great buff of smoke billowed from the edges of the circle. The candles were snuffed instantly, and in the darkness, a deep voice called out. "Who dares summon me, Death himself, to the mortal realm? Quiver in fear, mortal, for I-"

Peppermint Butler stuck a match and lit the lantern at his side. "Hey," he said.

The horse shaped skull of Death flexed into a oddly endearing smile. "Peppermint Butler, my friend! How good to see you! Does this mean you've recons-" The Butler shook his head, then nodded to where Cinnamon Bun was getting up from the circle. "Ahhh," said the specter of Death, tapping the side of his nose. "Well, then, why have you summoned me."

"I need to find my wallet," wheezed Cinnamon Bun.

Death looked at his long time friend. Peppermint Butler sighed. "Please? I've been wandering around all day, and I am really tried, and... well... Cinnamon Bun." He waved his hands to take in all that was Cinnamon Bun, who was currently trying to eat a candle. Noticing Death's gaze, he mumbled "what," spraying wax on the ghastly figure's face.

"I understand," said Death. He stepped into the circle of ritual and chanted to the sky. "All that is and was and will be, point me to where it may be, Cinnamon Bun's wallet is gone, show us now where he went wrong!" His hand glowing with purple energy, he lowered it to point... directly at Cinnamon Bun.

He stepped a little to the left, but his arm kept pointing right at the sugary fool. He stepped to the right. Still pointing. Death crept forward until his finger was nearly touching Cinnamon Bun's stomach, then sunk into it. His hand wriggled under the icing for a moment, then came out with a wallet, dripping wet.

"That's disgusting," said Death, dropping the wallet at his feet. He waves his dripping hand, and a dark portal appeared. He stepped in then turned to Peppermint Butler, who was motionless except for the twitching of his left eye. "Band practice on Saturday," the specter of mortal demise said, then closed the portal behind him.

Peppermint Butler stared at Cinnamon Bun, who stared right back. "You had it. All this time?"

"I guess so. Yeah."

Peppermint Butler sighed and rubbed his temples. "Please... please just put your wallet somewhere you won't forget next time, and let us never speak of this again."

Cinnamon Bun nodded, picked up his wallet, and slowly, carefully pressed it into his icing.


	2. A Normal Day

**Sorry this one was so short. The idea could not be comfortably padded, but seemed worth examining. I may add more to this chapter as time passes and more chapters get added, in the hopes of having every one show up in this story in some way, shape, or form.**

* * *

Banana Guard woke up and became immediately suspicious. Something was wrong, out of place. He looked down to the end of his bed and saw only one of his popsicle stick feet. Where the other foot should be, there was only a strange lump in his blanket. He sat up and swept the blanket away, then looked down to see his other foot back where it should be.

He got up and looked at the blanket, now in the corner of his room. It looked flat. He picked it up and shook it out. No lumps.

He thought for a moment, looked around, and decided not to report it. Everything was normal.

* * *

Banana Guard arrived at his post for the day at exactly eight. He nodded to Banana Guard, who nodded back and, relieved of his post, walked away to return to the barracks.

Banana Guard looked around. Today, he was stationed at one of the fountains that were scattered throughout the kingdom. He looked at the fountain, and saw that the water was clear. He looked up, and saw some birds flying away in the distance. To one side, a candy cobbler was opening his shop. To the other side, one of the candy taverns was closed and quiet.

Everything was normal.

Banana Guards never got bored. Becoming bored required you to have an imagination.

He smacked his lips.

A few minutes passed. The cobbler, shop open, started sweeping the sidewalk.

Banana Guard stared.

The fountain flowed, making only the occasional, quiet splash.

The birds had passed some time ago, so he watched a cloud slowly pass instead.

Cinnamon Bun and Mr Cupcake walked by, heading down Taffy Lane. They were talking and laughing to themselves, and they both had something red smeared across their faces. They looked like they were having fun. Banana Guard nodded to himself, and stared.

Everything was normal.

* * *

A few hours later, Banana Guard watched as Cinnamon Bun returned, being followed by Peppermint Butler. Cinnamon Bun was chasing a butterfly, one that Banana Guard had been watching flit from one side of the area to the other. He didn't even bat his eye as the lumpy bun ran strait into the fountain.

Absolutely normal.

Peppermint Butler walked over and started asking him about Cinnamon Bun and where he had been. Banana Guard answered truthfully, and had no idea why the butler grew upset. But he knew Peppermint Butler to be a prickly person at times, and eventually, the butler wandered off, in completely the wrong direction from Cinnamon Bun. Banana Guard considered calling out to tell him, but maybe he was going that way on purpose.

Banana Guard nodded and returned to staring.

Perfectly normal.

* * *

About an hour after the butterfly finally flew away, Banana looked up at the sound of loud chuckling. The Ice King was flying overhead, carrying something over his head. Banana Guard squinted. It looked like one of the many princesses that seemed to dot the land. He watched the Ice King fade into the distance and considered calling the event in to Banana Guard Captain.

The sudden appearance of Finn the Human, sailing through the air screaming like a banshee, reassured Banana Guard. He watched as Finn's canine companion rose up beneath the little human boy and started running, while Finn shouted in excitement. Soon, they too were out of sight.

Banana Guard nodded to himself.

Quite normal.

* * *

Around sunset, Starchy ran around the corner, chased by Mr Cupcake, who was waving a large ax wildly in the air as they ran. Mr Cupcake was covered in dust and sweat, and shouting some incredibly loud gibberish as he ran.

Banana Guard scratched his head, then shrugged and went back to his favorite past time, staring.

Seemed normal.

* * *

A few hours after sunset, Banana Guard arrived to relieve Banana Guard. He nodded to Banana Guard, and relieved of duty, wandered over to the barracks. There, he had a filling meal, then filled out the daily report.

He looked at the blank paper in front of him. After a moment, he grabbed a pencil and wrote, in big block letters.

"EveRytHINg NorMAL," the note said.

Banana Guard dropped his paperwork into the IN basket on Banana Guard Captain's desk, and listened to the whirring, shredding sound as the slot accepted it. He nodded and wandered off to his bed.

Banana Guard slipped the covers over himself, then stared.

He slowly reached for the radio next to his bed and spoke into it.

"Sir? Banana Guard. Their is something hiding under my blanket."


End file.
